Let this day still be lovely and amazing

Okay, so exactly one year ago my only sister told me she had a aneurysm in her carotid artery and would need surgery. Then the day after her 37th birthday in November she had surgery at Mayo Clinic (which is superb, by the way — they were the only facility able to do it due to a congenital abnormality of sis’s vascular system). Two days after the surgery a pulmonary embolism broke lose and took her life. Life is so appropriately filled with a big “if” in its’ middle. Kudos to whoever came up with its’ spelling.

So I have no idea where I am with the grief process … I know I have not allowed myself to openly grieve her loss. As twisted as it may seem, I think sometimes that I hold in the pain of losing my only sister as a punishment for not being a better sister. I always was so caught up in my own life: school, kids, work and relationships. I can’t change the past so I wonder, in some unhealthy and unconscious manner, if I try to “balance the scales” and make things right by not permitting myself to move forward in grief or to openly grieve. To openly grieve allows one to feel better … and to be comforted. I am a social work student and I do hospice volunteer work, so intellectually I know the facts, stages yaddah, yaddah. Yet, knowledge does not change the pain or regrets one feels in the loss of a loved one.

However, with the gift of life this day, I pray the Lord gives me strength to make it a lovely and amazing day … and to bring something which makes someone else feel lovely and amazing.