Wow, at 39 I am actually doing better

As I listened to an acquaintance drone on the other day about how they were a “victim yet again” in the world of dating, I felt something odd. Actually, it was an absence of normal feeling. I wasn’t feeling the usually sympathy. I wasn’t blurting out my normal, “Oh my gawd, are you serious?!?! That pig (or wench) did what?!?” I listened to him go on about all he did for this girl … and how he loved her so much… and she told him she loved him … and it seemed so right … he thought she meant it … yaddah, yaddah.

It was then I realized, “Wow, Linda, you don’t do things like that any longer.” And, I am not only happy, but proud of myself for making better choices. Now, before you blow a gasket and fire off a hateful email, let me state right off the bat that I do believe 100% that bad things do happen to good people and especially in the dating world. We all have been collateral damage to someone else’s “growing and finding themselves” as they dance off into the sunset and leave us behind in the dirt with a broken heart — tears rolling down our cheeks as the dust mingles unattractively with our tears. Yes, we all have been victim to the “serial dater” who is addicted to the rush that comes with infatuation, but when the relationship begins to develop into a much more sedate, “mature love” (an actual more advanced stage of love), our partner suddenly loses interest. He (she) may mumble something about “falling out of love” as they surreptitiously send a text message to their “new love”. And I’m not alone in having dated individuals who were just emotionally unavailable either because of some emotional health issues or else being hung up on an ex — none of us can compete with a ghost. These situations are out of our control. The operative phrase is “out of our control”. Let me repeat that: these situations are out of our control.

My darlings, I am here to rant about those situations which are in our control. Otherwise, our pain and heartache is secondary to our own choices… our broken heart is because of our inability to take control of our own life and make good choices. Now, in case you don’t know me or do, but forgot — I didn’t just wake up over night and start to make good choices — oh hell no !! I hung out for some time in the land of “this-choice-is-a-little-bit-better-than-the-last-choice-I-made”… and that’s okay — progress, not perfection is what life is all about, my friends.

Here’s some concepts and opinions of mine in regard to dating. Take ‘em or leave ‘em:

• It really never works well when there’s 3 people in your relationship… (i.e. you, him, and an ex they always talk to but emphatically insist “we are just friends, really!”). If there’s an ex hanging around — hang it up.
• When I hear you love me, I should be able to see you love me. (words are meaningless if your actions aren’t loving, respectful, faithful and etc too. If you can’t see what you hear from them, I’d call that inconsistent. Translation: they’re lying and they have a self-centered definition of love)
• Rebounds are a reality and no amount of denial by one person can change this truth. When we are rebounding from a relationship we just need someone to make us feel like we are okay. Rebounding may imitate love, but in the end it’s no imitation of heartache.
• It’s just not a good idea to begin cohabitation before a year of dating has passed. I knew one guy who knew a girl TWO weeks and asked her to move in … let me just say the girl took him for several thousand dollars, a computer, a cell phone and more. He swears he’s just a nice guy and is a “victim” and to this day he still feels I am unreasonable when I say, “You brought this upon yourself”.
• You have to date in the same zip code regarding intellect, faith, goals — only some variables are compatible as opposites. I think actually the more things you have in common, the better. Enough differences do need to exist to provide some individuality — but hey, let’s get real — an atheist and Mormon aren’t most likely going to be a good mix.
• Drinking impairs one’s ability to make good life decisions — both in and outside of the dating arena.
• If they get serious really fast, that’s not really a good thing. Relationships, unlike most things in our society today, are not instant … you gotta do more than “just add water”. If someone isn’t able to do the process necessary for a relationship, then there’s usually a good reason. Are they in love with the idea of being in love and just need someone to fill the bill? Are they unable to support themself? Are they unable to be alone?

That’s all I have for now … hopefully I retain and implement all that I have learned. Hopefully, I remember to maintain control over my side of the street and worry about controlling the only thing I have the ability to control — myself.